Love is a complicated thing, never more so than when you’re dating or interested in a woman who has an avoidant attachment style. But how should you handle this type of woman, and how to make an avoidant miss you?
It’s all about balance.
It’s a delicate dance between trying to be patient, understanding and compassionate with them while at the same time trying not to engulf them or make them feel they need to escape the relationship.
How To Make An Avoidant Miss You (Why Is She Avoiding You)
But let’s back up a bit. Before we talk about how to make an avoidant miss you, let’s first talk about what exactly is an avoidant personality or attachment style.
An avoidant personality is one of a group of personality disorders characterized by low self-esteem, an extreme fear of rejection, introversion, and hyper-sensitivity to criticism and embarrassment. It occurs in men as well as women, and in many cases can be traced back to a person’s early childhood.
As children, avoidant people may have received basic necessities like food and shelter from their parents or caretakers, but have not had their emotional needs met, like love, support and reassurance.
As a result, they have learned that they cannot trust people, and must depend entirely on themselves.
This means, if you ‘re wondering how to make an avoidant miss you, you should keep in mind that her actions may not have anything to do with you.
For people with an avoidant personality disorder, their fear of rejection is often so strong that will choose isolation instead of risk being rejected in a relationship.
The pattern of behavior in people with this disorder can vary from mild to extreme.
In addition to their fear of humiliation and rejection, other common traits of people with avoidant personality disorder include the following:
- They are hypersensitive to any sort of criticism or disapproval.
- Their social circle is very small. Because of their fear of rejection, they have very few, if any, close friends and are reluctant to become involved with others unless they are sure they will be liked and accepted.
- They experience extreme anxiety and fear in social settings and in relationships, so they are likely to avoid activities or jobs that involve interacting with others.
- They can be quite introverted and shy, awkward, or self-conscious in social situations due to a fear of doing something wrong or being embarrassed.
- They don’t like to try anything new or take chances due to their extreme fear of failure.
- They have low self-esteem and a negative self-image, often viewing themselves as inferior or “not good enough.”
What to Do When an Avoidant Pushes You Away
Now that you think you may be involved with (or want to be involved with) a woman you suspect has an avoidant personality, how should you proceed?
The answer is very, very carefully.
You will have to have extreme patience and try not to take anything personally.
If you feel like you’re being pushed away by your avoidant partner, try the following techniques:
Ask her how you can support her. She might just need a little more communication, or some more physical reassurance (like a hug, kiss, or just holding her hand) in order to feel more secure with you.
Don’t Smother Her
That being said, you should avoid over-reassurance. Because the avoidant woman needs space and not to be smothered, a good rule of thumb is this: When she pulls back, you should pull back as well.
Being overly supportive and available creates pressure, and it’s not how to make an avoidant miss you or want to be with you.
Learn to cultivate patience with her. Whether it’s because of wounds sustained in her childhood or because of something else, avoidant personality types have a far more difficult time facing betrayal and disappointment than others.
So they will do everything they can to guard their feelings to avoid being hurt in relationships.
Understand that she is not consciously trying to run away from love; she is trying to run away from pain and disappointment.
What Happens When You Stop Chasing an Avoidant
Out of the four main types of personality styles, the avoidant personality is going to have a tendency to need the most space of anyone. And if you try to get too close, too soon, you’re likely to find yourself alone.
So know what you’re getting into from the very beginning. It’s basically a relationship hamster wheel that the avoidant personality goes through over and over again.
Here’s how it goes:
- The avoidant woman thinks, “I just want someone to love me.”
- Then they hook up with someone (usually with an anxious-attachment style) and they think they’ve found “their person” and their troubles are over.
- Then they begin to be worried or annoyed by their partner not giving them the space they need.
- They start thinking about leaving the relationship.
- Then they actually do leave.
- For a while, they feel happy and relieved that they left.
- And then, the loneliness sets in once again.
- Leaving her to think, why can’t I ever find true love with the right person?
- And the cycle continues, around and around again.
It’s wrong to assume that because an avoidant struggles with emotional intimacy, that she doesn’t want it. She does, but she is her own worst enemy when she lets someone get close to her.
At the heart of every avoidant woman there lies a simple paradox:
“I want to let someone close enough to experience love, but not close enough to allow them to hurt me.”
By understanding an avoidant woman’s need for space and providing it, you are gradually assisting her in tearing down the barriers she has erected.
You can win an avoidant and make her miss you with time and patience. Eventually, the avoidant may allow her walls to be torn down and start slowly revealing trust and love for you.
Once you give her the space she needs, it’s more likely that her developing interest in you will slowly be revealed. But it’s not an easy task, nor an iron-clad guarantee.
Do Avoidants Come Back?
They will sometimes come back. But in the case of the woman with avoidant personality disorder, they’re usually just done with the relationship, feeling relief at “escaping,” relishing their freedom, and moving on pretty quickly.
So even if they do come back and you reunite, will things actually change for the better this time? Because this is a personality disorder and a lifelong pattern for this women, the answer is probably no.
People with avoidant personality disorder usually tend to cut things off and move on quickly. They usually prefer not to keep in touch with you, nor do they take any time to process the relationship.
Because of their extreme fear of deep emotional involvement, they seem to rebound from breakups quickly, and move on with no regard for the past.
So an avoidant woman who dumps you may possibly come back into your life – but it’s probably better for you if they don’t. After a breakup with an avoidant woman, it’s a good idea for you to focus on yourself, not on why they resisted your attempts at love or how to make an avoidant miss you.
Many women with avoidant personality disorder will play the on-again/off-again game and keep coming back into and out of your life without ever fully committing to you, as long as you permit this type of behavior.
And is that something you really want?
We didn’t think so.
How To Get an Avoidant to Commit
This is going to be a really tricky task.
These women have an “avoidant” attachment style, it’s going to be extremely difficult if not downright impossible to get your avoidant woman to commit to you – or to anyone else, for that matter.
Usually, the avoidant personality disorder is a kind of defense mechanism that comes from a childhood trauma of emotional neglect or abandonment.
It means that most, if not all, of this woman’s relationships will be tumultuous and temporary.
An avoidant partner is unlikely to be able to commit to you for the long-term because she is simply incapable of maintaining a relationship for that long.
If, however, you are hell-bent on trying to win your avoidant woman over, here are some tips you can try:
- Do not chase her. Ever. Allow her the time and space to think things over and to miss you. Difficult as it may be, she needs time to think on her own without you pressuring her.
- Keep her waiting. Be a bit mysterious. Women are nearly always intrigued by mystery. Don’t post your every single move on social media.
- Be patient and don’t rush her. Don’t pepper her with questions about her behavior. If you do, she’ll pull back every time.
Patience is key! You will be much more attractive to her if you go out and live your life without waiting on her.
It’s always much more attractive to a woman if they see you have a very full and fulfilling life outside of them. Your relationship should ADD to your happiness – it shouldn’t BE your only happiness.
She is much more likely to be attracted to you if she sees (or at least believes) that you are doing well on your own and one way to make an avoidant miss you.
How to Make an Avoidant Love You
There are no sure-fire ways to get any woman to fall in love with you – and that goes at least triple for women with avoidant attachment styles.
Avoidant women don’t easily fall in love because they generally avoid large displays of emotion and don’t seek closeness and intimacy, which can make them seem cold and distant.
No matter how intensely or quickly an avoidant person may fall in love or enter into a relationship, any relationship with a woman with an avoidant personality will absolutely need to have a balance of independence and intimacy/closeness.
With a lot of patience on your part, it may be possible for your love-avoidant crush to learn to trust that you won’t hurt her, express her vulnerability, and allow herself to receive your love and affection without fear of being “swallowed whole.”
Once again, we stress that there are absolutely no guarantees here, as the avoidant person is often completely unaware that they have repeated this pattern in relationships all their lives.
Therapy can often help the avoidant person to recognize these patterns and to possibly overcome them, but it will of course be something the avoidant woman needs to decide for herself.
You suggesting that she get into therapy might not be so helpful, so tread lightly.
Here are a few tips for you guys who are determined to try to break down the walls your avoidant crush has put up around her heart, and get her to fall in love with you:
- Emphasize that you’re doing kind things for her because you enjoy it, not because she’s being high-maintenance or needy.
- Listen to her without judging or taking things too personally.
- Remind her regularly, in different ways, that you enjoy her company without being overwhelming or smothering.
- Work on improving your own self-awareness and emotional intelligence.
Above all, give her the space that she needs when she needs it.
What Are Avoidants Attracted To?
People with avoidant attachment personalities seem to be naturally drawn towards people with anxious attachment styles.
This is because a guy with an anxious attachment style is usually totally focused on other people, while the woman with an avoidant attachment style tends to be completely focused on herself.
But let’s first define “anxious attachment style” so that you can better determine whether this might describe you.
People with this attachment style are pretty obsessed and have a hard time living without their partner.
They tend to focus all their energy and attention on the relationship and are extremely anxious and fearful at the thought of being left alone.
The reason many avoidant people may be attracted to anxious-attachment people is that the anxious person is all too eager to pour all of their energy and focus into the avoidant person, who secretly craves all that love and attention, yet who has been hurt deeply in the past and is afraid of getting too close.
Also, because the anxious person is terrified of losing the avoidant person, they are likely to do whatever it takes to try to keep the avoidant partner’s interest – and that includes trying to give the avoidant person all the space they need.
When we are just getting to know someone, we aren’t going to be aware of their emotional attachment styles, or whether they have commitment issues.
It’s only further down the road that differing emotional attachment styles are going to reveal themselves, and we find out if we are truly a match with the person we are crushing on.
Sometimes things can be worked out, but sometimes we’re just so fundamentally different from each other that no matter how much you think you want things to work out with this girl, it just isn’t going to happen and we need to move on.
If you discover that you’re trying to have a relationship with an avoidant person, wondering how to make an avoidant miss you, or if you think you might have an anxious-attachment emotional personality, you can try any or all of the suggestions we’ve made here, to try to work out your budding relationship.
Or if you’re truly serious about this girl, one or both of you may want to try seeing a therapist to work out your issues.
Whether it works out or not, you will be more aware of yourself, and the kind of girl you’re attracted to, and the lengths you are willing to go to (or not!) to save a relationship.